Smoking Grass?

Annapolis, MD - 10/14/05 - With the increasing popularity of townhouse communities throughout the Washington and Baltimore suburbs, developers and homeowners alike have encountered, time and again, the problem of the proper way to handle a postage-stamp sized yard.

Now, Rion Homes LLC has decided to take a fairly radical step in landscaping their newest offerings in the area: Astroturf. Well not exactly Astroturf, "Astroturf" is a trade name, like Xerox or Kleenex, and the product that Rion Homes will be using, EverGrass, is produced by Synthetic Turf Solutions.

According to Henry Blondell, the lead Western Shore Contractor for Rion, the bogus blades are actually a "fescue"-grade polypropylene. "The turf needs minimal maintenance, certainly no mowing or weedwacking, and homeowners should probably just be sure to vacuum it once or twice a month. They should also be sure to hose it down after each visit by the family pet. Oh, and it's probably not a good idea to grind your old cigarette butts into it either."

The new sham surface is apparently a hit with residents as well. Arlene Johnston of Willow Woods offered, "Who really wants to get dirty when they go outside? And bugs, I don't expect any bumble bees will try to pollinate my plastic petunias."

When asked if Rion had any future plans to expand their maintenance-reduced options for new homes, Blondell responded, "We've got some things in the works. I suspect few people have the time to rake their lawns anymore, and we're looking forward to the day when we can replace tulip populars and white oaks with simulated sweetgums and mock maples. With any luck, that day will soon come."

This is satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.