County Running Short of Land: Development Community Offers Modest Proposal

According to a recent report by outgoing Director Joe Rutter's Department of Planning and Zoning, the County is dangerously short of land zoned for commercial and industrial development. Only 6,381 acres of undisturbed woodland, wetland, and meadow remain to accomodate the County's ever increasing demand for Wal-Mart's, Jiffy Lubes, Burger Chef's, and car dealerships.

"This (study) just demonstrates where that (developable) land is so we can get our claws into it .... Excuse me, I mean our arms around it," said county land-use spokesman Tammy Jordan.

Given that the area left is only 3 square miles larger than the City of Annapolis, this revelation has raised considerable concern on the part of the development community.

Developer lobbyist and Director of the Alliance for Faux Land Use, Jack Pantylines, is the leading advocate for what he calls "a modest proposal for Anne Arundel County's future." Mr. Pantylines proposal, which has the backing of much of the development community, including John Ribera, Michael Sturbridge, Liam Buckshire, and Gerry Coke, would include filling in portions of the Magothy, Severn, and South River, zoning them C-4 along the periphery, with swaths of tight industrial zoning in their interior. "Let's be frank, these rivers are already moving in this direction. They're basically cesspools, turning the color of a well-shaken Yoo-hoo after almost every rainstorm. By passing this legislation, the Executive and Council will virtually triple the amount of commercial and industrial property in the County, and ensure that the tax burden for County residents continues to decrease, as it has over the past 3 decades of intense development."

County Executive-Elect John Leopold expressed some concern about the proposal, but offered, "I have my Chief of Staff looking closely at it. Will there be opportunities for ballfields on these reclaimed mallscapes?"

Despite Leopold's hesitation, Pantylines is undeterred. "Hey, it's a win-win-win. I get thirty pieces of silver from my developer overlords, the Executive and Councilmembers get the eternal goodwill of the people who fund their campaigns, and the people of Anne Arundel County get to keep laboring under the delusion that they can grow their way out of the problems associated with growth."


An artist's rendering of the Severn's future as an important commercial hub
This is, unfortunately, only partially satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.

Leviticus-Based Constitutional Amendments I Would Consider

The whole gay marriage brouhaha has gotten me to thinking, "if we're going to use the Bible to start writing Maryland's laws, how can we best put it to use?" Consider for example:

Leviticus 11:9-12:

9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. 10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: 11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination. 12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

A constitutional amendment banning the eating of shellfish? Hardly a step could be taken that would do more to preserve our ailing oyster, crab, and clam populations. So the watermen don't like it. I guess the wages of sin aren't that lucrative.

Leviticus 11:13-19:

13 These are the birds you are to detest and not eat because they are detestable: the eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, 14 the red kite, any kind of black kite, 15 any kind of raven, 16 the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, 17 the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, 18 the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, 19 the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat.

I'm not aware that eating herons or ospreys is a particular problem, but let's go ahead and codify it anyway.

Leviticus 19: 9 When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. 10 Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the LORD your God.

Sounds like precisely what the Chesapeake Bay Foundation is working on right now. Farmers, leave that land around the edges undeveloped, particularly land that borders waterways. As for offering excess harvest to the poor. Who could disagree with that?

Leviticus 19: 13 Do not hold back the wages of a hired man overnight.

Astonishingly, most people have to wait two weeks for a paycheck. Good luck getting the Maryland Chamber of Commerce on board with this one. Can you imagine the shrill bellyaching about "higher administrative costs" we'd hear if this got before the Gov?

Leviticus 19: 18 Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

My guess is this one is really going to cheese off those death penalty junkies.

Other suggestions are welcome.

Annapolis Inn-Sanity

Annapolis, MD - 11/22/05 - In a surprise announcement, coming on the heels of a proposal to turn the King of France Tavern into a Starbucks, the centuries old Maryland Inn has recently announced its sale to the Intercontinental Hotel Group, the parent company of Holiday Inn, Inc.

The new hotel, which will retain much of the distinctive charm of the original building, will include the new owner's trademark green awnings, and an historically accurate, hand-carved, green and yellow wooden sign reading "Maryland Holiday Inn Experience at Ye Olde Annapolis Towne" facing Church Circle.

According to Annapolis' Economic Development Director, Matt Mocha, "It makes sense for the concept they have. We believe that they can bring a breath of fresh air to Annapolis, particularly if they come bearing handfuls of those pre-bedtime mints. Get it?"

"What could be more fitting for a building constructed during the revolutionary war, than to serve as yet another receptacle for corporate America's King George-like desire to insert itself into every aspect of our lives?"

This is, unfortunately, only partially satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.

Exorcising Eric Smith

ANNAPOLIS, MD - 10/28/05 - Having determined that a simple "no confidence" vote would be insufficient to forever banish the everlasting soul of former Superintendent of Schools, Eric Smith, from Anne Arundel County, members of the Anne Arundel Teacher's Union have decided to take a more dramatic tact. They have agreed to vote on actions to make it clear to Dr. Smith that he should never return here from his Harvard hiatus.

Despite Dr. Smith's recent resignation as Superintendent, there remains the belief among some in the teacher's union, that his presence will continue to haunt union/school board negotiations for years to come. According to Union president Shelley Finley, "Dr. Smith's reign of terror was so severe that drastic steps have to be taken to ensure his eternal explusion. It was just horrible. For god's sake, he wouldn't even listen to us."

Some of the proposals that will be voted on in the November 2 balloting include: Whether to draw-and-quarter Dr. Smith's large oak desk; Whether to place Dr. Smith's personal assistant, Myra, in an iron maiden for a period not to exceed two weeks, and; Whether anyone uttering the words "Eric Smith" should have their mouth filled with hot coals.¹

In a closing comment, Finley offered, "Hey, we can't seem to get the teachers better pay or benefits, so it seems like the least we can do is offer them the opportunity to symbolically flog this dead horse. And flog it we will."


An artist's rendering of one of the myriad tortures proposed for the former Superintendent, as voted on by the Anne Arundel Teacher's Association.

¹ Capital cartoonist, Eric Smith could not be reached for comment on this final proposal in time for publication.

This is satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.

Fixer Uppers

Annapolis, MD - 10/21/05 - Recent reports that Anne Arundel County schools are at least $165 million behind in maintenance and repairs have led officials in County government to seek out low cost solutions to prop up the failing infrastructure. Today, County Executive Janet Owens and the County School Board set forth an ambitious 3-point plan to get Anne Arundel's schools back into top form.

The initial strategy will be to forge public-private partnerships, with businesses in the county being asked to contribute materials and financial support to the school system in exchange for yet undisclosed benefits. An ecstatic William Weasel, Head of the Anne Arundel Economic Development Group, mused, "Think of the possibilities. If we can pull this off, it may not be long before we're unveiling Home Depot Middle School and Raytheon High. These are indeed exciting times."

The second prong of the plan involves sending county permit inspectors out, under cover of darkness, to raid dumpsters at construction locations around the county to scavenge useable materials. County Permitting Officer Sturge Icemayer stated bluntly, "Look, we already know where these sites are [as contractors are required to file permits with the County], and we're expected to swing by them every so often to check on silt fences and remediation efforts. But, honestly, we don't have that sort of time, so we're going to hone in on the big ones, grab their scrap lumber and wiring, and see what we might be able to use to patch up our schools."

"If all else fails, we intend to open several locations in the county as prospective sites for rubble landfills, with the ingenious requirement that the developers of those sites be required to patch up schools in the area," offered school board member Jimmy "Skeeter" Holmes. "My guess is that folks in Pasadena and Arnold will agree that a gaping crater in the community is a small price to pay for schools that aren't caving in on their children."




A recent photo of one of Severna Park's failing elementary schools.


This is satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.

Smoking Grass?

Annapolis, MD - 10/14/05 - With the increasing popularity of townhouse communities throughout the Washington and Baltimore suburbs, developers and homeowners alike have encountered, time and again, the problem of the proper way to handle a postage-stamp sized yard.

Now, Rion Homes LLC has decided to take a fairly radical step in landscaping their newest offerings in the area: Astroturf. Well not exactly Astroturf, "Astroturf" is a trade name, like Xerox or Kleenex, and the product that Rion Homes will be using, EverGrass, is produced by Synthetic Turf Solutions.

According to Henry Blondell, the lead Western Shore Contractor for Rion, the bogus blades are actually a "fescue"-grade polypropylene. "The turf needs minimal maintenance, certainly no mowing or weedwacking, and homeowners should probably just be sure to vacuum it once or twice a month. They should also be sure to hose it down after each visit by the family pet. Oh, and it's probably not a good idea to grind your old cigarette butts into it either."

The new sham surface is apparently a hit with residents as well. Arlene Johnston of Willow Woods offered, "Who really wants to get dirty when they go outside? And bugs, I don't expect any bumble bees will try to pollinate my plastic petunias."

When asked if Rion had any future plans to expand their maintenance-reduced options for new homes, Blondell responded, "We've got some things in the works. I suspect few people have the time to rake their lawns anymore, and we're looking forward to the day when we can replace tulip populars and white oaks with simulated sweetgums and mock maples. With any luck, that day will soon come."

This is satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.

Bombing the Bay

Pasadena, MD - 4/1/05 - After receiving reams of negative feedback about resuming bombing runs on Bloodsworth Island in the Chesapeake Bay, the Navy has decided to take a different tack. Navy Secretary Gordon England yesterday met with Anne Arundel County Executive Janet Owens to discuss the possibility of selecting a location within County limits to substitute for Bloodsworth Island.

Preliminary reports suggest that the two parties may have reached an initial agreement to allow the Navy to use Little Dobbins Island in the Magothy River for its manuevers. Anne Arundel County spokesman Matt Diehl said, "it's really too early for us to comment on the matter, but there's no question, this scenario would be a win-win situation for the County and the Navy. [The Navy has] ordnance they need to test, and pilots to train, and we have a house built on an isolated island with almost none of the proper permit documents.... Oh, alright, we're going to level the place. We may even work with the Navy to see if we can pull the whole thing off on the 4th of July. Wouldn't that be something?"

The owner of the house in question, Daryl Wagner, could not be reached for comment as of press time, but nearby Pasadena neighbor Janet Weir said she would just as soon see the misplaced mansion go. "The island used to be home to all sorts of wonderful wildlife: ospreys, falcons, even a nesting bald eagle pair from time to time. Now all we get is loud music at all hours traveling right across the water, and Daryl [Wagner] kicking up wake, eroding shoreline, in his fancy hovercraft."

Magothy River Association President, Peter Sandler, mused, "I'd certainly rather the Navy didn't have to blow up any portion of the Chesapeake habitat, but at least by peppering this illegally constructed house with gatling gun rounds and dummy 50-lb bombs, we're sure to reduce its impervious surface. There's no way a roof, even one built to code, could sustain that sort of firepower."

This is satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.

Geoducking the Issue

Annapolis, MD - 3/25/05 - In response to continued delays to his plan to have the Asian oyster (Crassostrea ariakensis) introduced into the Chesapeake Bay, Governor Robert Ehrlich (R) has decided to put forward his own "nuclear option" on the matter of multiplying the Chesapeake's molluscs. "Today, I am proud to announce that my administration has worked out an historic agreement with the Governor of Washington, Christine Gregoire, to import 3.5 million geoducks to help super charge the clean up of the Chesapeake Bay," gushed Ehrlich at his recent press conference.

The geoduck, pronounced gooey-duck, is a hardshell clam which burrows 2-3 feet deep into the mud, and can weigh up to 2.2 lbs by the time it is 5 years old. Ehrlich spokesperson, James LaKay, offered, "These bivalves are huge, easily 5 to 10 times as large as our undersized native oysters. Just imagine how quickly they'll be able to filter the Bay. If this goes according to plan, the Administration sees no reason why, 5 to 10 years down the line, we'll have to keep onerous land use and nutrient management requirements in place. These super clams should be able to handle almost anything we throw at them."

When asked about the proposed geoduck introduction, Ehrlich's mortal enemy, House Speaker Michael Busch (D-Annapolis) replied, "I hardly see any reason for this project. It's a total waste of taxpayers' money. I mean, have you seen how many mallards, canvasbacks, and buffleheads we've already got around here? You can't walk 10 feet in most of the grassy areas around Annapolis without stepping in Canada goose crap."

Senator John Astle (D-Annapolis) was bit more sanguine about the matter. "Hey, if this means there are going to be more winged critters for me to kill, well then, I'm all for it. Full speed ahead, baby." The sound of jubilant gunfire was reported to be emanating from the backyard of the Senator's Annapolis rowhouse shortly after the interview. City police had not responded to inquiries as of late yesterday.

Chris Judy, oyster expert with the Maryland Department of Natural Resources (DNR), urged caution however. "It's not even clear to me that these clams will survive introduction into the Bay. The salinity and temperature of the waters in the Pacific Northwest, where they normally make their home, are completely different from those here in the Chesapeake. I think the Governor may want to think through this plan a bit more fully." In an unrelated development, the Ehrlich administration later in the day announced that it would be appointing former Ehrlich aide, Joseph Steffen, to head up the Human Resources Division at DNR.

This piece is fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.