Friday, October 21, 2005

Fixer Uppers

Annapolis, MD - 10/21/05 - Recent reports that Anne Arundel County schools are at least $165 million behind in maintenance and repairs have led officials in County government to seek out low cost solutions to prop up the failing infrastructure. Today, County Executive Janet Owens and the County School Board set forth an ambitious 3-point plan to get Anne Arundel's schools back into top form.

The initial strategy will be to forge public-private partnerships, with businesses in the county being asked to contribute materials and financial support to the school system in exchange for yet undisclosed benefits. An ecstatic William Weasel, Head of the Anne Arundel Economic Development Group, mused, "Think of the possibilities. If we can pull this off, it may not be long before we're unveiling Home Depot Middle School and Raytheon High. These are indeed exciting times."

The second prong of the plan involves sending county permit inspectors out, under cover of darkness, to raid dumpsters at construction locations around the county to scavenge useable materials. County Permitting Officer Sturge Icemayer stated bluntly, "Look, we already know where these sites are [as contractors are required to file permits with the County], and we're expected to swing by them every so often to check on silt fences and remediation efforts. But, honestly, we don't have that sort of time, so we're going to hone in on the big ones, grab their scrap lumber and wiring, and see what we might be able to use to patch up our schools."

"If all else fails, we intend to open several locations in the county as prospective sites for rubble landfills, with the ingenious requirement that the developers of those sites be required to patch up schools in the area," offered school board member Jimmy "Skeeter" Holmes. "My guess is that folks in Pasadena and Arnold will agree that a gaping crater in the community is a small price to pay for schools that aren't caving in on their children."

A recent photo of one of Severna Park's failing elementary schools.

This is satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.

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