Bombing the Bay

Pasadena, MD - 4/1/05 - After receiving reams of negative feedback about resuming bombing runs on Bloodsworth Island in the Chesapeake Bay, the Navy has decided to take a different tack. Navy Secretary Gordon England yesterday met with Anne Arundel County Executive Janet Owens to discuss the possibility of selecting a location within County limits to substitute for Bloodsworth Island.

Preliminary reports suggest that the two parties may have reached an initial agreement to allow the Navy to use Little Dobbins Island in the Magothy River for its manuevers. Anne Arundel County spokesman Matt Diehl said, "it's really too early for us to comment on the matter, but there's no question, this scenario would be a win-win situation for the County and the Navy. [The Navy has] ordnance they need to test, and pilots to train, and we have a house built on an isolated island with almost none of the proper permit documents.... Oh, alright, we're going to level the place. We may even work with the Navy to see if we can pull the whole thing off on the 4th of July. Wouldn't that be something?"

The owner of the house in question, Daryl Wagner, could not be reached for comment as of press time, but nearby Pasadena neighbor Janet Weir said she would just as soon see the misplaced mansion go. "The island used to be home to all sorts of wonderful wildlife: ospreys, falcons, even a nesting bald eagle pair from time to time. Now all we get is loud music at all hours traveling right across the water, and Daryl [Wagner] kicking up wake, eroding shoreline, in his fancy hovercraft."

Magothy River Association President, Peter Sandler, mused, "I'd certainly rather the Navy didn't have to blow up any portion of the Chesapeake habitat, but at least by peppering this illegally constructed house with gatling gun rounds and dummy 50-lb bombs, we're sure to reduce its impervious surface. There's no way a roof, even one built to code, could sustain that sort of firepower."

This is satire. Any resemblance contained herein to individuals living or deceased is purely coincidental.